Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Lesson learned "There's Victory in living"

Years ago my best- friend's mother use to hide away in her dark house afraid to even walk to the mailbox at the end of their country driveway. I love this lady and in a way she has saved my life many times.  Whenever I would become depressed, I would think of her and remember how sad I felt that her fear had paralyzed her life.

She instilled in me a desire to really live and not just exist in my life.  I came close a few times, to just hiding away and becoming too afraid to live.  I held onto my teenage lesson to not let life's problems overwhelm me and to live each day to the fullest.  I feel God allowed me to see that side of existence so that I would not allow the trials of my own life to bring me down. When I lost my baby in 2002 , I almost forgot the lesson that God never gives you more than you can handle. Sometimes we forget the real meaning of that, is that we can not handle anything on our own but if we call on God, He and only He can get us through. All those years later, that wonderful lady's daughter (my Best- friend) reminded me to call out to God and he would bring me back to living that life that I fought so hard to LIVE! 

As I face my daily struggles now with physical limitations that no one can actually see,  I choose to not anticipate any diagnoses with fear but with that same desire to live to the fullest no matter what challenges come my way.

Thank you to the fine lady that taught me such a valued lesson in life and I want you to know that you are still in my heart and prayers.  I love you and I love your entire family for welcoming this scared child into your home. Thank you for loving me so many years ago even when you wouldn't allow anyone else into your home.  I love you!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Blessings in everything

Here I am back at work for a straight 16 hours.  No stress though, we all had dinner, went to a meeting and then home for night time medications ,with all ten clients off to bed by 10pm.  I organize and write reports for their  files , make sure all is set up for following day and then sit watch that they don't sabotage themselves through the night.

Never in a million years did I think that I would ever switch my work schedule to nights.  I love being involved in my clients life too much and feeling as though I can help them rebuild their lives in some way. I was too much of a control freak in my professional life to ever take what I would consider a back seat to the whole picture of the program.
How was I to know that through this illness, God would bring me back to my original passion in life to write  inspirational poems and prayers.

It's been in my heart to do this for twenty years yet been so busy working and raising children and then lost all desires in life ten years ago when I lost baby "Carisma".   Over the last seven years, gradually I opened up and my spirit has been renewed even while illness sneaked into my physical being. Now I have my passions back and desires to edify all those I can reach in this big/small world around me. 

Now I realize that God has blessed me with all kinds of quite healing time , even during my work hours! 
I have total confidence that my physical well being will be renewed as well!!! I am sure that between my faith in God,  less stress, learning to eat proper diet for my personal needs and acknowledging his blessings all around me in every situation, I am bringing myself to a place of turning my will over completely to His will and as I spread my uplifting messages of love my complete being will be healed. 

To God be the Glory

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Little house on the prairie

I was texting my daughter  tonight about enlisting her assistance in setting up my future shop on line.  When I first started writing my poems and felt God putting it upon my heart to share this inspiration with the world, things were a lot different.  I had made brochures, fliers, giving them away as gifts , and was arranging to place some in a craft store near by to begin a special order program.  Now it is all on line! 
 I have seen so many changes in time of my life.  I am in awe of change yet still hunger for the old "little house on  the prairie" days.  I know these changes all make my life easier and there is no going back, but oh how my heart aches for simplicity.  Harder physical work, oh yes, but truth is truth and marriage is forever in a God centered society!!! 

Ahhh, I borrowed this photo of a friends home up in Montana.  Seems a world away from Las Vegas, look closely and you can almost hear the cow bell ringing at supper time and Laura Ingalls shouting "I'm comin Pa".  

 Thank you for your photo Mitch. I hope life is half as peaceful as I imagine u there in God's country!   Have a blessed day everyone. :)

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Time to create

I have realized today the gift God has given me to work nights and be able to have quality time to be inspired to write again.  It has been years since I have created a poem or a personalized prayer for anyone.  The last time I attempted was when I was pregnant with my baby Charisma that passed away within me at eight months of pregnancy over ten years ago.

I have felt for years that God has wanted me to go back to this passion.  I now feel that the time is here. Now that so much stress has been lifted from me in my work life, I get so many awake hours to myself. I will now be free to allow my thoughts to transpose to paper and start "Carol's Loving Creations"


Off to review these old writings and dream of future ways to create new writing on new platforms. My goal is to sell these writings and designs on a website at  where they sell all kinds of crafts and wonderful homemade gifts.   This will be a long time goal fulfilled and a fun compassion I have yearned for ever since my girls were little!

In setting up my shop on Etsy , I discovered I had to make a change in my name.  It will be called:

 Love Creations by Carol.

  This shop is just in the start up stage so do not try to view until I announce a grand opening....Than

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Peace in ones soul

In midst of the busy days and nights , I have found my peace.  Faith carries me through the good and the bad knowing that I do have a totally awesome God that sees me through all situations.  I no longer fear, worry or believe negative thoughts in my head. 

  Romans 8:28 "  And we know that all things work together for  good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his will. 

I live on that truth and that my friends is why I dance in the rain.  :)

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Now this is success!!!

A few minutes ago, I was given reason to think about success and all the variations of society's definition of success.
I am not what anyone would consider the least bit financially successful or materialistically successful, but I am successful under my definition because I have my two daughters and they are my single most important goal in life.

 My goal was to have my own "family" and to prove to this world that if you raise your children showing them love and respect, they will love and respect  you back. I wanted to prove that there is no need to raise children being hurtful in anyway. 

We are to always look for ways to love our neighbors and to edify one another if we are to do that for our neighbors and strangers , how then can human beings bring children into this world and then degrade them and hurt them in any way, physically, verbally or emotionally?  I never understood that and I wanted to prove to everyone that If we show our children unconditional love, respect and appreciation, they will show you the same and become wonderful compassionate humans.  My other motto in life besides "Dance in the Rain"  but to break cycles of abuse and addictions in our family.  I feel confident that by time my daughters become parents they will not carry on the generations of abuse and addictions that ran in both my family and their fathers!  

Now that my friends is what I call success!!!!

Monday, November 12, 2012

Cool weather and living nights!

I took a break last night of even thinking about my daily health issues and it felt great! :)

  I am noticing that although my head feels dizzy each day and the headaches continue, my ability to form my thoughts into words to express myself is frustrating, but the bright light is my numbing is beginning to take breaks! My face tingles and a arm then a leg but it is not as constant. Thank you God for seasons and dropping temperatures!!! 

 This week the temperature has dropped to the high 60's in days and high 40's at night...with this cooler weather comes great relief of how my symptoms get so intense in the summers here.  I am so grateful for winter this year!  The summers have increasingly grown harder on me ever since summer of 2008 and now the last two summers are making me feel as though I can not make it through another one. I will change my schedule to nights at least and then come next spring summer maybe I will not go through such high degree (ha ha) of increased symptoms. 

I am determined that depression will not over take me as I continue realizing more and more that although I am only 53 years old, my body is weak and I can not do half of what I could do last year and each year is becomes more limited.  My goal is to transfer to a gluten free diet, work nights, not allow stress and always always look on the bright side of how blessed I am to be alive each and everyday. I have grown to tryly appreciate life!!!

My dairy of symptoms:
Still numbness but less last few days, sharp needle like pains in stomach , foggy head of not thinking straight , not being able to multitask like I use to and not being able to talk smoothly anymore with words escaping my mind or being in mind but not getting mouth to form them. My head feels like will pass out any moment almost constant.   My neck never stops hurting now and now my middle and lower back has ached for a month now (not sure if new symptom of MS or if from the spinal stenosis they found in my neck is really in other ares too?)

Diagnoised in 30's with degenerative desease in both kness due to childhood injury , ligaments torn and no cartridge in either knee , arthritis had already set in.  (1997) Was told I needed both knees replaced.
Diagnoised with spinal stenosis , degenerative disk & arthritis in spine (C5,6&7)   (2005)
Diagnoised with a TIA ( May 2011) Yes, there is a high risk of strokes and heart attacks in family history
Diagnoised with High Cholesterol (May 2011) On statins, but hate medications!
UN-Diagnoised with symptoms of MS that one doctor at Hospital says my MRI (white matter) and symptoms all looks and sounds like MS but I need to see a Neurologist (May 2011) *I am without Insurance so I just now two weeks ago was placed on list at free clinic to see a Neurologist!!!
Diagnoised with COPD Feb.2012
Diagnoised with endeometrosis Feb 2012
Diagnoised with cyst in Left ovaries (non cancerous so far) Feb 2012
I've been asked to take a colon test due to high risk in family of colon cancer two strong awesome sisters.

All is fine and managable but the Un-diagnoised symptoms of "possible MS" not knowing is worse...I refuse to let any of it get me down though.

I will just keep making adjustments yet I will continue my journey and....

I promise to continue dancing in the rain!!!!

Ahhh the peace & wonders of night

I am in midst of my work night with a house full of wonderful people , they are all sound asleep.  I sit and ponder what each is dreaming. What their lives have encountered to bring them here under the same roof under which I sit.  

I stop to realize the peace of a quiet night and hope they will come to a point in their lives where they could appreciate the quite.  One must come to a point to where they find happiness within to sit in the quite and not create drama all around in order to not hear the voices within. Those asleep here tonight think they are different because they hear the voices.  Their voices are just loader or meaner voices that want to harm them. In reality I do believe we all hear inner voices.  Those of us that grow to control those voices with the peace that comes in knowing ourselves find it indescribable to share with those that have not yet found that inner place. 

 How do we teach them peace? How do we teach them that in so many situations their parents (the ones they were suppose to trust with all they are) that the parents are the ones that are sick!  It wasn't their fault as children that their parents were full of anger , resentments and were unable to love.  How do we teach them to now put all the anger, resentments and walls to love, down.  To decide now as adults ,that this is their live and they have the right to throw away all the bad that was put upon them as children and it is their choice to break the chains!  

 It begins with realizing  they have a choice and it takes a lot of compassion for themselves to realize they are worth love and they never deserved to be raised by parents that did not teach them unconditional love! They can transform their thoughts, actions and heart to be the person they always wanted to be before others robbed them of their spirit. 

Please take a look at others and stop before you look in judgement. Realize if they are not loving , there is a reason and please look beyond their actions to look into the heart of a "child" that was never loved unconditionally.....reach out and show them what unconditional love is.  

Why else be alive but to reach out to another in love?

Saturday, November 10, 2012

My motto of life

Today November 10, 2012

I changed the name of this blog today as I used as title a few days ago my motto in life and thought wow why didn't I name this blog by I changed it today.  

Dance in the Rain,  I want to always dance in the rain or fulfill the meaning , to me it means to make the best out of all situations in life.

I am researching more ways to help my MS symptoms to stay at a minimum in my life. I realized that I have four ways I can help this outcome in natural ways with no medications for as long as possible. #1 is of course to always put God first in my life, 2)  get plenty of rest, 3) eat healthy (with MS a gluten free diet is best) and 4) to keep stress out of my life as much as possible.  Seems that most people with MS have something called leaky Gut syndrome so if you work on healing it, you can slow the progression down tremendously.

So gradually I will be working on switching myself over to a gluten free diet and whatever it takes to slow these symptoms down. 

Today I came back to Solutions Recovery for my work and that this time I will not be a lead manager of a house I will work nights or as a fill in so there will be a lot less work stress in my life.

Join me while I Dance in the rain forever!  

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Dance in the Rain

Transformation journey Nov. 8, 2012:

Just a morning note to be clear, I'm no longer on a "diet" , I AM TRANSFORMING  my life, living in the ZONE of optimal health spite what may limit certain areas of my life....When there is a mountain before you...choose to stay where at, climb that mountain, find a trail around it , or find God's tunnel through it, What matters is not how but that you find your way to the other side and don't stay idle.  Each obstacle is truly an opportunity  of  journey full of  wisdom , love and growth to new adventures.  Dance in the Rain....that is my motto.

Yes, when I started this blog it was more about the weight and diet, that's why I took that picture but now since my TIA (mini stroke) came in May of 2011 and all the diagnoses thus far, It has become about sticking to living as long as possible and as healthy as possible.

Forgive if I talk about my daily health issues here and express the feelings I may go through of not being at my best and having limits that I am not use to.  I promise as you continue to take this journey with me, you will see how one makes the best of all situations and lives committed to God & finding glory in all things.

Live life to the fullest and open your heart to the blessings surrounding you :)

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Good days and bad days are all blessed days!

Today 11/7/12 wasn't such a great day.

 I had terrible dizziness and numbness in brain, face, arm and chest along with pain in left arm.  I didn't get much done as each time I thought I could, I would get dizzy and out of breath. I even needed Chelsea to drive for me to get the errands done that I did do.

All is good though, I am alive, I did not end up in hospital and I am relaxing here in my own comfortable home. I am blessed.  I did have three whole days in a row where I had energy, got a lot done and even exercised on my AB lounger. Haven't felt up to that in months! I believe the cooling temperatures are helping me and it is only going to get better as winter draws nearer.  I am more Thankful this year than any year so far....Even with all the silly illness issues, I am happier and feeling more sure of who I am than ever before.  I stand up for myself these days and do not allow anyone's own BS keep me from a moment of peace.
Be Blessed :)

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Getting healthy!!!

November 3rd 2012

That's it, I made a mistake and changed jobs for a few months...I'm a woman , I'm allowed to change my mind aren't I?  Now back to Solutions with my family of friends and co-workers where I can enjoy what I do with all my heart and soul.

I believe I haven't changed one bit from those pictures taken almost two years ago!
 My health has been a rollarcoaster with my LDL up to 344,  HDL 44 and Triglycerides at 258.
I haven't had any health insurance and it took me 6 months to get accepted and then get into a Volunteer clinic where I was finally seen by a doctor.   As of a week ago I am back on medication for my Cholestrol, have my COPD meds being mailed to me!!!

I am on a waiting list for OB/GYN for my female issues of cyst on ovaries (non-cancerous) and endometreosis. Eventually I will have my degenerative disk disease in my neck re-evaluated that causes me daily pain and the arthritus has settled into it just as it has on my knees that have been degenerative since my early 30's let alone my Atrial Fibrillation issue that increase my risk of that full stroke.

 I am also on waiting list to see a Neorologist for all the symptoms that mimmic or seem to be MS. A doctor at UMC stated that the white matter on my MRI and my symptoms of numbness and heat sensitifity are signs of possible MS.

MS is a progressive illness that eats away the protective layer over your nerves in your brain and inside your spine. Everyone goes through different symptoms depending on nerves being effected but mine is sever heat sensitivity and on daily basis I go numb in my arms , legs , face and brain.  I can feel fine for months then something triggers it back and I get numb, can't think straight, somedays can't talk correctly, and since I have already had a TIA (mini stroke) in May of 2011, these symptoms can lead to stroke too and so scary if not the MS but I ignore signs of a stroke coming on just becuase I am so use to these symptoms daily.   Summer is over Thank God since MS symptoms are triggered my the heat and that issue has been getting progressivly worse for me ever since summer 2008.  I am not sure I can handle another summer here in Vegas without a diagnoises at least so I can be on treatment of some sort.

This may all seem bad, but trust me there is always someone else worse off.  I don't look at it that way anyways, it just interfers with my level of activity at times but it never interfers with my faith in God or my joy in simply being alive and having each day to fulfill God's will with my life by loving others!!!

Any ways I am done with summer and back on my medications for the Cholestrol so I am motivating myself to get back on my health kick.   I believe that if I start back on my Apple cidar vinegar , it can jump start me back to feeling healthy. I set an alarm on my phone to start back on vitamins and I bought a AB lounger at a yard sale. 

Stay with me and watch me melt back into my old jeans...maybe not my 4's in womens or 7's in JR's but at this time in my life I will be happy with a goal of size 6 woman's and size 9 JR's.

More than a size the main thing I am after is to just feel healthy and energetic again!!!