Tuesday, November 17, 2015

11-17-15 seven months without my sunshine

Seven months?

I can not believe it has been seven months , all my sense of time has vanished.  I'm afraid of days going by because I am afraid of my bad memory losing cherished memories of Cassandra's smile, laughter and voice saying " I love you Momma". 

I want to hold on dearly to each and every moment....the laying next to her as a baby when I'd see her stir so when she opened her eyes, I would be right beside her and she would smile.
Learning to talk and say Momma and Dadda....How she loved her Grandpa so very much and how he held her within the first fifteen minutes of her birth.  
Going to Bonnie Springs the first time just the two of us for  the afternoon and strolling through the petting zoo and having lunch in the cafe.  
Her excitement in becoming a big sister to Chelsea at the age of 2 and a half.....
Homeschooling her and her being so excited as she learned her phonics!!! 

So many wonderful beautiful moments I cherish through the years- I have always cherished them but always thought I would have many many more to come. 

I Praise God for each and every moment I have had with Cassandra while I was pregnant with her, being honored to see her grow from a tiny baby into a lovely young lady that valued all life and took the ideal of being non-judgmental and giving unconditional love even further than what I was able to teach her.  

I have so many questions, lost feelings , very deep sad feelings but I know that I will somehow ,with time ,work through this and feel less pain.   Truth is, I know also, that this is a tragedy my heart and soul will never ever be able to "get over."   

I pray daily that each moment we shared will stay in my memory forever so I can replay them though out my life!!!!
All I do, I do in memory of Cassandra Cassidy " My Sunshine"

Monday, November 16, 2015

Myth busting!

Myths of grief:   there are too many I have heard/ experienced over the last seven months to repeat. 

The one below has helped me to realize why my therapist has me researching all these myths so we can be Myth Busters!!!! 

According to Alan D Wolfelt, Ph.D. in his article "Helping dispel 5 common Myths about grief"

Myth #1) Grief and Mourning are the same experience

Most people tend to use the words grief and mourning interchangeably. However, there is an important distinction between them. We have learned that people move toward healing not by just grieving , but through mourning.

Simply stated, grief is the internal thoughts and feeling we experience when someone we love dies, Mourning , on the other hand is taking he internal experience of grief and expressing it outside ourselves.

In Reality , many people in our culture grieve, but they do not mourn, Instead of being encouraged to express their grief outwardly, they are often greeted with messages such as "carry on" , "keep your chin up" , and "keep busy" . So, thy end up grieving within themselves in isolation, instead of mourning outside of themselves in the presence of loving companions.- End of quote.

 In my field of work , I see too many people that have not processed feelings and in turn have stuffed resentments and had to turn to drugs and alcohol to hide from these feelings they never processed- It is important to heal, to process your feelings as you are going through them and heal properly so you can move forward with a healthy life and healthy relationships. 

I am doing everything possible to learn how to face and process feelings I don't want to even face but I know it must be done in a healthy manner for me and for Chelsea.  Cassandra was on board with us being the generation to break the chain of alcoholism and drug addiction , She would want more than anything for us to search for healthy ways to survive and carry on her love and memory.