3650 days

 Dear Cassandra,

Ten years since I hugged & kissed you, laughed with you & still felt pure joy imagining your future. 

When you were here, I couldn't imagine one day without you , now I've had to live through 3,650 days and nights.

My memories of your lifetime fill me with overwhelming joy while dreams unanswered bring unending sadness. 

What holds me together & allows me to make new dreams and feel renewed joy is knowing your soul is still shining bright upon me.  I am always seeking ways to share stories of you with those that knew you, to shine your light with those that didn't. 

Ten years ago I lost you from my reach to hold you and feel you physically. For thirty four years I've been so blessed to be your mama & know your presence both physical and spiritually. As you have reminded me, nothing can seperate us. I will always be your momma and you will always be my Sunshine.

Thank you for sending me signs that you're watching over me.  I am always keeping your light shining , making sure you're remembered & loving you every single day ,in every way possible. ❤️ 

As the song says that you sent me over car stereo:   keep fighting the good fight,  keep letting your light shine, I am here with you on the other side. 

Thank you Sunshine for really being with me from the other side.  

Love you bunches & bunches through eternity,

Momma 

Spiritual Transcendence of our relationship

Sunshine,

As time moves forward and it is now sixteen months since your murder.  Your never being here physically has reached my full awareness.   I was in shock for months, yet at same time ,in midst of a spiritual journey of connecting with you as much as possible on the spiritual level.  Then you warned me after a year that you would not be with me as much, though always within reach when I needed you.  I thought I was ok with that message from you but it really felt like another stage of loss these past four months.

 I had slipped into some deeper depression but I am ready to move forward , as I know you want me to and focus back on developing our full spiritual relationship.  I need to hold on to my affirmation of, I will always be your Momma and you my Sunshine.  I understand you do not need to be right beside me 24/7 as in the spirit world there is no time and space....Just as God , Jesus, and all our spirit guides and Angels are near, it is not a space or time issue.  You are with me in Soul all the time.

You have taught me so much from Heaven and how our souls are eternal.  I know our souls were connected before this physical life and will be eternally.  I just miss you every single day and that will never go away.

 I love you to my core and I praise God that you have connected with me to allow me the comfort of knowing that although I do miss you physically that we are eternally connected by our souls.

Eternally Soul family
Love you bunches and bunches!!!!
Momma

The Letter to Cassandra

This is a letter that my Grief and loss counselor had me write to Cassandra on my final week: ( 8 weeks total as I did not go till after Holidays came) Keep in mind I had a format that she wanted me to stick to so it is not a freehand letter though I did go off a bit. LOL


Dear Sunshine,

Our relationship has been going through a very difficult, heart breaking transformation that neither you or I saw coming ten months ago.   I want you to know that I am sorry that I could not forsee this tragedy and take precautions ahead of time!!!  I am sorry that I wasn't there to take that bullet myself!!! Your life was robbed from you so suddenly and I am sorry for all your earthly dreams that at 24 years of age now will not be fulfilled.

A part of the healing of this letter is to forgive you ( that thought in it's self held me back from writing this letter for two weeks!) After much thought:   I forgive you for being so good at being organized and efficient, arriving to work on time yet causing you to be at the wrong place at the wrong time!

 I'm proud of you Sunshine,for every detail of who you were here on earth physically and how you remain my sunshine spiritually.  During these past ten month's transformations, since that tragic night April 17,2015 , I have felt your soul every single day.  Your guiding thoughts help me to make decisions. You continue to teach me new things from your spiritual side of life and most of all you have given me resilience knowing you and I will always be connected by our souls.

Thank you Sunshine for the wonderful gifts that you've given me through your life shared here on earth with me.  You gave me the gift of learning boundaries , standing up for myself, that it is ok to not be happy all the time and to have balance, The gift of taking time for self introspect, to not allow fear to take me over and the gift of showing me beyond doubt that although you are gone physically your remain spiritually always!!!

Although I know that the pain will always be here and I will miss you always, I must now say goodbye to the pain of missing you physically so much so that it blocks our full spiritual Transcendence of our soul's relationship to be all it is meant to be.

Love you bunches and bunches through eternity Sunshine,
 Your Momma Always!

In Honor of Cassandra Cassidy please join LVMPD "LIGHT THE NIGHT" campaign PLUS MORE

LVMPD has a campaign that is titled "LIGHT THE NIGHT", The flyer states a well-lit home and neighborhood is better protected than a home or neighborhood without lighting.  Crime and darkness go hand in hand. 


 It is mostly for homeowners to protect themselves by placing more lighting on their private property.  Auto sensors that turn on the porch lights and surround landscape lights at dusk, motion sensor lights though out their front and back property to alert them someone is out there. It states on the flyer that darkness and crime goes hand in hand.  

Well in honor of Cassandra's memory to make something come from her senseless death that may save other lives:   We have decided to join LVMPD to campaign to "LIGHT THE NIGHT" not only in private properties but in our streets!  I honestly believe with all my heart that if the neighborhood and property where my innocent 24 year old daughter was arriving to work that night on April 17th 2015 was better lit, (no street lights there at all) she may still be with us now! PLEASE JOIN US IN HELPING OTHER FAMILIES NOT GO THROUGH THIS TRAGEDY!!!

Las Vegas is unique in the sense of how we have grown- I have lived her for nearly forty years and I remember how this "town" grew in spurts by people moving out and building custom homes in neighborhoods without any city sidewalks and utilities, like street lights.  These days those rural areas are some of the darkest neighborhoods in the center of the city! Crime is happening in those areas daily.   

Please campaign for our city / county to place street lights on every street where people live in this Greater Las Vegas.  Stand up for our Kids or families and all the innocent lives that don't need to be taken from their loved ones. 

Around our country cities are changing their street lights to LED lights that are brighter and more cost efficient for the city- We have a lot of streets with street lights but they are so dim, you can hardly tell so as we do a sweep to "LIGHT THE NIGHT"  please add to make the overplan to eventually replace all streetlights with LED lights. 

11-17-15 seven months without my sunshine

Seven months?

I can not believe it has been seven months , all my sense of time has vanished.  I'm afraid of days going by because I am afraid of my bad memory losing cherished memories of Cassandra's smile, laughter and voice saying " I love you Momma". 

I want to hold on dearly to each and every moment....the laying next to her as a baby when I'd see her stir so when she opened her eyes, I would be right beside her and she would smile.
Learning to talk and say Momma and Dadda....How she loved her Grandpa so very much and how he held her within the first fifteen minutes of her birth.  
Going to Bonnie Springs the first time just the two of us for  the afternoon and strolling through the petting zoo and having lunch in the cafe.  
Her excitement in becoming a big sister to Chelsea at the age of 2 and a half.....
Homeschooling her and her being so excited as she learned her phonics!!! 

So many wonderful beautiful moments I cherish through the years- I have always cherished them but always thought I would have many many more to come. 

I Praise God for each and every moment I have had with Cassandra while I was pregnant with her, being honored to see her grow from a tiny baby into a lovely young lady that valued all life and took the ideal of being non-judgmental and giving unconditional love even further than what I was able to teach her.  

I have so many questions, lost feelings , very deep sad feelings but I know that I will somehow ,with time ,work through this and feel less pain.   Truth is, I know also, that this is a tragedy my heart and soul will never ever be able to "get over."   

I pray daily that each moment we shared will stay in my memory forever so I can replay them though out my life!!!!
All I do, I do in memory of Cassandra Cassidy " My Sunshine"

Myth busting!

Myths of grief:   there are too many I have heard/ experienced over the last seven months to repeat. 

The one below has helped me to realize why my therapist has me researching all these myths so we can be Myth Busters!!!! 

According to Alan D Wolfelt, Ph.D. in his article "Helping dispel 5 common Myths about grief"

Myth #1) Grief and Mourning are the same experience

Most people tend to use the words grief and mourning interchangeably. However, there is an important distinction between them. We have learned that people move toward healing not by just grieving , but through mourning.

Simply stated, grief is the internal thoughts and feeling we experience when someone we love dies, Mourning , on the other hand is taking he internal experience of grief and expressing it outside ourselves.

In Reality , many people in our culture grieve, but they do not mourn, Instead of being encouraged to express their grief outwardly, they are often greeted with messages such as "carry on" , "keep your chin up" , and "keep busy" . So, thy end up grieving within themselves in isolation, instead of mourning outside of themselves in the presence of loving companions.- End of quote.


 In my field of work , I see too many people that have not processed feelings and in turn have stuffed resentments and had to turn to drugs and alcohol to hide from these feelings they never processed- It is important to heal, to process your feelings as you are going through them and heal properly so you can move forward with a healthy life and healthy relationships. 

I am doing everything possible to learn how to face and process feelings I don't want to even face but I know it must be done in a healthy manner for me and for Chelsea.  Cassandra was on board with us being the generation to break the chain of alcoholism and drug addiction , She would want more than anything for us to search for healthy ways to survive and carry on her love and memory. 

I Love Las Vegas Magazine...BLOG: Towbin Fiat Shows Great Community Spirit!

I Love Las Vegas Magazine...BLOG: Towbin Fiat Shows Great Community Spirit!: Towbin Automotive and Ally Bank came together on Wednesday to pay the remaining balance of the late Cassandra Cassidy’s beloved FIAT f...



Words can not express my gratitude!!!!

Tornado spins out of control

I was under impression this whole time that my Sunshine got caught wrong place , wrong time, and was accidentally shot that rotten night of April 17th!  I found out Monday that the Thug got out of the car and walk towards her and deliberately shot her and then bragged that he shot a white girl!!!

The rain turned into tornado?!!!

Not sure I can dance anymore but I am sure someday I will retrain myself!

  You see my life as I knew it ended April 17th 2015 at 9:56pn when some street punks decided to shoot out the window of their car at two girls they were chasing that had ran up to my precious 24 year old daughter for help as she arrived at work ( at wrong time at wrong place) and they shot my innocent daughter instead!

I'm good at dancing in the rain when things go wrong in life but when the rain turns into a tornado and my life ends as I know it ... My knowledge of how to dance ends!!!

One moment, one breath, one day at a time!  My brain can say how I'm suppose to process this information and try to move forward but my emotions can not comprehend that I will never see , hear, feel , laugh with , share life with my Sunshine again!!!! 

Spiritually Cassandra is with me and always will be I know but JUSTICE must be served and TRUTH must be revealed on what happened to my baby and who is responsible , then they must pay!!!!   That won't bring my Sunshine back but she lived to see fairness in lives and I must see a minimum of fairness that those responsible bring brought to justice! 

Life will never ever be the same! 

Walk MS

Hello friends and family....

I am on a strong fight with the whole MS and I am determined to never stop!     The girls and I are building a team to walk the walk ms held all over the country to help the National MS Society to stomp out MS.   Please join me however you can, donation of money or time by walking with us!  

This winter finds me more energetic and rearing to fight to the end. This walk is held in April and it has given me a new found reason to get into shape and walk daily.  In the spring and summer the temperatures are so hot I find myself bedridden on my days off but I am fighting that and living my life to the fullest these days.

Come join me and my wonderful daughters in our fight!  God bless each of you for being in my life.


http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR/Walk/CALWalkEvents?px=12798264&pg=personal&fr_id=23132

Nevada, Las Vegas - Walk MS 2014: walking4acure2MS - National MS Society

Nevada, Las Vegas - Walk MS 2014: walking4acure2MS - National MS Society

Summer is really already here

With temperatures hitting the 90's , I have to succumb to the notion that Summer is here!  I had thought I would simply change my schedule to nights and get through without these MS symptoms flaring up but that didn't work.   I am a full blown day person and trying to work nights just made my symptoms flare even in cooler weather due to the poor sleep my body would get.

 I am learning the things I need most beyond my Lord is rest, coolness and no stress.  So I head into summer sleeping nights and then dressing in clothing that allows my body the most coolness (long loose skirts and tank tops mostly and in as much cotton as possible).  I pay attention to things that stress me out and I try to avoid or simply not allow them to stress me out..LOL

Sometimes the four 12 hour shifts put me under and I have to limit to only three days of work but then the lack of money stresses me out so trying to find balance. I have a brand new car which helps me with less stress over breaking down, yet the money issue again flares up.  LOL no such thing as no stress so we pick our stressers that are worth it I guess!

Point is we keep adjusting and finding what is right for us and leave the rest to God.  My Lord constantly helps me through situations and I have total faith He will carry me through the times my symptoms get out of control.

Love to all  and have a blessed day.
 

360

Isn't funny when your past circles around with your present?  I am now 53 years old and recently God has been bringing back people to me that were my friends years ago. Some maybe 5-10 years ago and some even 30years ago!

I am in awe of life and how in this past month I reconnected with my first love. No not for any "rekindling of flames" as he is very happily married to a wonderful wife and has a beautiful family miles and miles away. I will always love him for being my first love and I am so grateful he is loved and happy.

Through that reconnection though, I found one of our old friends too that hung out with us a lot and I hadn't seen him since we were in our 20's!  Turns out we live within a few miles of each other, have shared some similar life changes and now tomorrow I get to go out to the race track to watch him race! I gave up that part of my heart years ago and have oh so missed being at a track and smelling the awesome smell of nitro!

Yep, I'd say this is a 360! Yesterday he treated me to lunch and that lunch lasted five hours, I could of sat there another five easily. It was just like when I go back east and see my best friends from childhood, it is like nothing changed but our age. The comfort level is still there forever!

  Tomorrow will be a day of heaven on earth for me and I will enjoy every second I am out there at track.  God blesses us in so many ways , be ready!!!

Missed you old friend

I've missed you old friend.  That's how I feel as I sit here at my computer and contemplate what to write on my blog, my blog that I have ignored for far too long.  So much has happened in these months since I've written and I feel like I am sitting down with a old friend to catch up!

I have adjusted my schedule at work once again to consist of 3 day shifts 8am-8pm Friday thru Sunday and one night shift of 8pm-8am in the mid week.  I love the night shift for writing and research work while my clients are all asleep.  

I just bought a brand new car, not that I felt it was time financially and wanted to just now, but my old car that I had bought off a used car lot three years earlier and paid 30% interest on and I just paid off on February 28th, sure enough had engine trouble that would cost hundreds of dollars to repair. Hundreds of dollars I did not have and it was threatening to blow if not repaired asap and registration was coming due.  Rather than try to push it to point of blowing up, I figured maybe I could trade it in? 

I am now a proud owner of a brand new 2013 Chrysler 200 that I truly love.  Ahhh I so missed that fresh smell of a new car and the sense of security that it would not be breaking down and then the oh so wonderful feeling that if I could take the time , I could jump in my car right now and drive to a beach in Ca.!!!  That is the reason for the schedule change, I now NEED the eight hours over time each week so I can pay for this wonderful security.  

Blessings in the fact that my ex-husband actually co-signed for me so I could get this one at 5.3% interest!  I can not let him down and I oh so want to earn my good credit score back.  The plan is for me to pay for a year on this loan and then refinance in my own name...pray by then my credit score improves enough to get me 5.3%!!!  I can not afford any higher payments than I already have, hense the overtime hours and the night shift, with the night shift I can start developing my shop on Etsy and start my writing again to sell and earn more income to qualify better next year on own.I'm constantly looking for ways to make side money and afford those things needed in my life.

In midst of car breaking down and having to go on a long term commitment loan, I received a phone call from my doctor that they want me to go back to a third mammogram and ultra sound for third time in two months!  Praise God I know I have him and know all the miracles He has done in my life in past so I can rest assured He is in midst of all I am going through now with finances and health!  I don't even think there is anything wrong with my breast , as all the pain is in my lower abdomen where doctors found sizable cyst last year but no one has bothered to ultra sound them?  I have been "on a list" for the last 6 months at least to see a ob/gyn and a Neurologist for my seemingly MS symptoms.  Summer is coming and I feel overwhelmed with the heat already as here in Vegas it is hitting 80's daily.

Pray with me for God's intervention where I need it and God's wisdom on finding natural ways to ease my symptoms with eating as healthy as I can and keeping stress at a minimum.

Now enough about me my old friend, how have you been?!

Merry Christmas?

Seems so unfair to even say these words with the recent murders of so many innocent lives of those working and going to school in Sandy Hook Elementary school! 

I have cried so many tears over this past weekend and prayed so very hard for the parents and loved ones left behind.  I pray for answers, comfort and somehow a renewed strength for all.

When I pray I hear a voice within tell me not to be overwhelmed by the deep sadness (for that only makes us feel the lie of defeat that satan wants us to believe) but to look for the miracle to emerge from all this.  For God's word does tell us in Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the GOOD of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them".

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is that which I seek with all my heart and soul:

To see the world pay closer attention to the mentally ill (majority of our homeless and our murder's are mentally ill)  have tighter laws on guns (not take away our rights to bear arms but maybe not semi automatics or anything other than those for hunting and self defense. Cherish our loved ones more each and every day.

Yes, Merry Christmas to everyone!!!

May you hold steady to your faith to fight for what is right in this world and preserve NOT the lies and sadness but seek that which is TRUTH.  Let's all be more aware of those fighting mental illness and find more ways to help them rather than ignoring them and lets protect our rights without putting our loved ones lives at risk and lets love one another more!!!

1 Corinthians 13:13
"Three things will last forever, faith , hope and love- and the greatest of these is love"

Lesson learned "There's Victory in living"

Years ago my best- friend's mother use to hide away in her dark house afraid to even walk to the mailbox at the end of their country driveway. I love this lady and in a way she has saved my life many times.  Whenever I would become depressed, I would think of her and remember how sad I felt that her fear had paralyzed her life.

She instilled in me a desire to really live and not just exist in my life.  I came close a few times, to just hiding away and becoming too afraid to live.  I held onto my teenage lesson to not let life's problems overwhelm me and to live each day to the fullest.  I feel God allowed me to see that side of existence so that I would not allow the trials of my own life to bring me down. When I lost my baby in 2002 , I almost forgot the lesson that God never gives you more than you can handle. Sometimes we forget the real meaning of that, is that we can not handle anything on our own but if we call on God, He and only He can get us through. All those years later, that wonderful lady's daughter (my Best- friend) reminded me to call out to God and he would bring me back to living that life that I fought so hard to LIVE! 

As I face my daily struggles now with physical limitations that no one can actually see,  I choose to not anticipate any diagnoses with fear but with that same desire to live to the fullest no matter what challenges come my way.

Thank you to the fine lady that taught me such a valued lesson in life and I want you to know that you are still in my heart and prayers.  I love you and I love your entire family for welcoming this scared child into your home. Thank you for loving me so many years ago even when you wouldn't allow anyone else into your home.  I love you!

Blessings in everything

Here I am back at work for a straight 16 hours.  No stress though, we all had dinner, went to a meeting and then home for night time medications ,with all ten clients off to bed by 10pm.  I organize and write reports for their  files , make sure all is set up for following day and then sit watch that they don't sabotage themselves through the night.


Never in a million years did I think that I would ever switch my work schedule to nights.  I love being involved in my clients life too much and feeling as though I can help them rebuild their lives in some way. I was too much of a control freak in my professional life to ever take what I would consider a back seat to the whole picture of the program.
 
How was I to know that through this illness, God would bring me back to my original passion in life to write  inspirational poems and prayers.

It's been in my heart to do this for twenty years yet been so busy working and raising children and then lost all desires in life ten years ago when I lost baby "Carisma".   Over the last seven years, gradually I opened up and my spirit has been renewed even while illness sneaked into my physical being. Now I have my passions back and desires to edify all those I can reach in this big/small world around me. 

Now I realize that God has blessed me with all kinds of quite healing time , even during my work hours! 
I have total confidence that my physical well being will be renewed as well!!! I am sure that between my faith in God,  less stress, learning to eat proper diet for my personal needs and acknowledging his blessings all around me in every situation, I am bringing myself to a place of turning my will over completely to His will and as I spread my uplifting messages of love my complete being will be healed. 

To God be the Glory
 

Little house on the prairie

I was texting my daughter  tonight about enlisting her assistance in setting up my future shop on line.  When I first started writing my poems and felt God putting it upon my heart to share this inspiration with the world, things were a lot different.  I had made brochures, fliers, giving them away as gifts , and was arranging to place some in a craft store near by to begin a special order program.  Now it is all on line! 
 
 I have seen so many changes in time of my life.  I am in awe of change yet still hunger for the old "little house on  the prairie" days.  I know these changes all make my life easier and there is no going back, but oh how my heart aches for simplicity.  Harder physical work, oh yes, but truth is truth and marriage is forever in a God centered society!!! 

Ahhh, I borrowed this photo of a friends home up in Montana.  Seems a world away from Las Vegas, look closely and you can almost hear the cow bell ringing at supper time and Laura Ingalls shouting "I'm comin Pa".  

 Thank you for your photo Mitch. I hope life is half as peaceful as I imagine u there in God's country!   Have a blessed day everyone. :)

Time to create

I have realized today the gift God has given me to work nights and be able to have quality time to be inspired to write again.  It has been years since I have created a poem or a personalized prayer for anyone.  The last time I attempted was when I was pregnant with my baby Charisma that passed away within me at eight months of pregnancy over ten years ago.

I have felt for years that God has wanted me to go back to this passion.  I now feel that the time is here. Now that so much stress has been lifted from me in my work life, I get so many awake hours to myself. I will now be free to allow my thoughts to transpose to paper and start "Carol's Loving Creations"

 

Off to review these old writings and dream of future ways to create new writing on new platforms. My goal is to sell these writings and designs on a website at   http://www.etsy.com  where they sell all kinds of crafts and wonderful homemade gifts.   This will be a long time goal fulfilled and a fun compassion I have yearned for ever since my girls were little!


In setting up my shop on Etsy , I discovered I had to make a change in my name.  It will be called:

 Love Creations by Carol.

  This shop is just in the start up stage so do not try to view until I announce a grand opening....Than

Peace in ones soul

In midst of the busy days and nights , I have found my peace.  Faith carries me through the good and the bad knowing that I do have a totally awesome God that sees me through all situations.  I no longer fear, worry or believe negative thoughts in my head. 

  Romans 8:28 "  And we know that all things work together for  good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his will. 


I live on that truth and that my friends is why I dance in the rain.  :)